Charlie | Alan | Berta | Evelyn | Jake | Judith | Andra


Alan: Sorry I'm late, Kandi and I had morning sex.
Charlie: Good for you.
Alan: Twice.
Charlie: Congratulations.
Alan: She didn't even wake me up for the first one. I almost missed it.
Charlie: Well I've always said a 22 year old girl is like a good carpenter, no wood gets wasted.

Charlie: If I want your opinion, I'll ask your ex-wife.

Evelyn: Charlie is my number one son.
Charlie: Yeah, but she treats me like number two.

Charlie: Face it, Alan. When the good Lord was handing out courage, you were crouched in a locker, peein' on your gym socks.

Alan: Name three things you would change about me.
Charlie: Your personality, your wardrobe and your address.
Alan: Thank you.
Charlie: Your voice, your face and again your address.
Alan: Alright, alright.
Charlie: Your haircut, your fruity little workbook and your address.
Alan: Just needed three.
Charlie: Come on, we're healing. Your cheapness, your smug arrogance, and your address.

Jake: If drinking makes you feel bad, why do you drink?
Charlie: Nobody likes a smart ass, kid.
Jake: You have to put a dollar in the swear jar. You said "ass."
Charlie: Tell you what. Here's a twenty. That ought to cover me until lunch.

Alan: I... I wish there were a better way to deal with Mom.
Charlie: There is, but we're both too pretty for jail.

Alan: There's something wrong with Sandy.
Charlie: Didn't we already know that when she agreed to sleep with you?

Nurse: Follow my finger.
[Jake follows her finger with his eyes.]
Nurse: He seems alright.
Charlie: That's all you do? This? [He moves his finger like she did]. That's not how you examine a head injury, that's how you hypnotize a chicken!

Charlie [looking at Alan]: Hmmm, tequila? Checkbook? Sourpuss? Must be alimony time.
Alan: Go away, Charlie.
Charlie: Boy, you'd think for all that money, she'd at least come over and give you a lap dance.
Alan: Leave me alone, Charlie!
Charlie: In fact, you know what would be really funny? Where it says "memo", write "lap dance". Give her something to explain at tax time.

Charlie: When making love, the way to slow yourself down is to think of something completely non-sexual.
Alan: What do you think of?
Charlie: You.

[Charlie's going through his supply of whiskey] Charlie: Lets see, one Russian blonde, one Scottish brunet, and a full-bodied red head from Napa Valley... Charlie's Angels.

Dr. Shankman: Is there anything else you'd like done while you're out? A little lipo, nose job, penis enlargement?
Charlie: No, no, thanks. For the record, [looking at Nurse Kendra] I got the penis enlargement when you walked in the room.

Charlie [on the phone]: -"Hello, I have a problem; I have a room full of seagulls. I need help to get rid of these seagulls"... yes, I'll hold... hello, who is this... Phyllis Eagull... no, I need to talk to someone about seagulls. Someone who can come over with a net or something... yes, I'll hold... hello, who is this... A-nette... yeeees... no, look, I have a flock of seagulls in my room... what?... how should I know what became of them... no, no... I... need... help... with... a... flock... of... seagulls.... no I won't hold... hello... Phyllis... yes, I see...

Evelyn [to Charlie]: Laugh now, but when I die I'll come back to haunt you. [she leaves]
Charlie [to Alan]: How will that be any different from this?

Charlie: No, no. It's my nephew. He and my brother are living with me now. I'm like "Mr. Family Guy".
Lisa: Yeah right... family guy. How is it going with your mom?
Charlie: What the hell has my mom got to do with family?!

Alan: This is not who I am.
Charlie: Yeah, but who you are, couldn't get layed under water, with a tank full of oxygen.

Charlie: [to a hungover Alan] How's that for a turn of events? I'm getting up feeling chipper, while you look like a stool sample.

Charlie: Alan, I have always conducted my sex life according to three simple principles: One - if at all possible, ladies first; Two - it is easier to be forgiven than ask permission; and third and most important - the ten seconds it takes to put on a condom beats the hell out of the ten years you have to pretend to like soccer.

Alan: I'm in trouble here, Charlie. How do I get out of a stagnant, joyless relationship?
Charlie: If I knew how to do that, you wouldn't still be living here.

Charlie: [to his congested date] You can use this.
Lulu: Nasal spray... thank you, Charlie, that's so thoughtful.
Charlie: Well, you are gonna need to breathe through your nose.

Evelyn: We're at the same theater. What a happy coincidence.
Charlie: Yeah, just like Booth and Lincoln.

Jake: Say what I'm in trouble for.
Charlie: Nope.
Jake: Boy, it's the not knowing that drives you crazy.
Charlie: Yeah, like a pregnancy test.

Charlie: No kids in my house.
Jake: I'm a kid.
Charlie: I don't think of you as a kid. I think of you as more of a gassy dwarf.

Charlie: It seems like yesterday I could party all night and eat and drink anything I wanted to. Now, a couple of Red Bulls and a waffle and I'm sittin' in the emergency room, prayin' for a fart.

Alan: [talking about Jake when he was a baby] I miss that little boy. Seems like only yesterday I could've hold him in one arm. He didn't weigh more than 8 or 9 pounds.
Charlie: He craps more than that now.

Teddy: Charlie, you need anything?
Charlie: Teddy, if I was any happier, my pants would be wet.

Girl [posing]: So, what do you think?
Charlie: Wow. It's for you, right?
Girl: It's for both of us. Don't go away. [She goes into the bathroom]
Charlie: Don't worry. There's not enough blood left in my legs to go anywhere.

Charlie: I'm telling you, you're spoiling the kid. I didn't have a shrink when I was Jake's age and my childhood was twice as screwed up as his. I mean, you're a little cuckoo, Judith, but compared to our mother, you're like a fart in a hurricane.

Charlie: Don't be lettin your mouth write cheques your ass can't cash.

Charlie: It's time someone taught him the facts of life.
Alan: What facts? That you did a stupid stupid thing because you're a stupid stupid man.
Charlie: I was getting to that.
Jake: Why was it stupid?
Alan: Because he had sex with someone he doesn't love.
Charlie: No, no, because I had sex with someone who knows how to disable the alarm system.

Sandy: What's Christmas without caroling?
Charlie: Hanukkah?

Berta: Show of hands... who spent their day pre-soaking the shorts of a kid who leaves more skid marks than a getaway car? [Berta raises her hand] That's what I thought. Now, if you ladies will excuse me. I have three buses to catch. [Berta leaves]
Charlie: I bet she catches them by hand.

Charlie: [To Alan] Lets not forget how I convinced you that mom's douche bag was your air supply.

Alan: I can't believe it, you're nervous about a date?
Charlie: Of course I'm nervous. What am I going to talk to her about? I haven't gone out with a 40-year-old woman since I was in high school!

Chelsea: You didn't tell your mother we're engaged?
Charlie: If she hadn't sold me the house she wouldn't even know where I live.

Alan: As you know, I pay my fair share of rent around here.
Charlie: We probably have different definitions of fair... and share... and rent, but go on...

Alan: It's because of you Jake doesn't want to come here anymore.
Charlie: Great, tell me what I did so I can do it to you.

Charlie: If Chelsea were your fiancee, you'd have bigger problems.
Alan: Like what?
Charlie: Being the last man on Earth.

Charlie: This is a hot divorced mother from the valley, you're going to need three penises and a jumper cable to get her attention.

Charlie: My past is divided between things I can't remember and things I don't want to and you're both.

Charlie: You guys are no fun, I'm gonna call a hooker.
Lyndsey: Charlie, there's two boys in the house!
Charlie: Let them get their own hookers.

Evelyn: When this heals, I'll have the face of a twelve year old girl.
Charlie: But from the neck down you'll have the body of an Egyptian mummy.

Alan: Birthday card for mom - sign it.
Charlie: No thanks. Come back with a "do not resuscitate" form and we'll talk.

Jake: I thought you had a date tonight.
Charlie: Not a date, a date experience.
Megan: What's the difference?
Charlie: About $1,500.

Alan: This might have been the worst date of my life.
Charlie: Did she dress you in a leather bustier and tie you to a bed?
Alan: No.
Charlie: Did she super glue a model car to your balls?
Alan: No.
Charlie: Did she talk you into trying on one of mom's dresses while she stole your wallet?
Alan: No.
Charlie: Then this wasn't even your worst date this month.

Charlie: I just lost the best housekeeper since Wilma Flintstone.
Charlie: Te amo.
Alan: I thought you didn't speak Spanish?
Charlie: I do know how to say, "I love you" and "How much for a happy ending?" in seventeen languages.

Alan: Once the profits start rolling in, I could move out.
Charlie: And once I start growing boobs I could start working the lunch shift at Les Girls, Girls, Girls.

Alan: I'm not gay, I'm just meterosexual.
Charlie: That's just a gay man that can't get laid.

Alan: Oh, what's to become of my son?
Charlie: Don't worry, Alan, there'll always be carnivals.

Charlie | Alan | Berta | Evelyn | Jake | Judith | Andra


Alan: I couldn't bring a woman to one of those places. The only way I would get sex, was if I molested a rat.

Alan [about Jake]: He's worried that when he grows up, he won't be smart enough to have sex.
Judith: Why would he think that?
Alan: Because he hears you giving Herb instructions like he's a blind guy in a mine field.

Alan: Well, we all have one or two heartbreaks in our life.
Leanne: Eight.
Alan: Excuse me?
Leanne: I've been dumped eight times; married, married, gay, parole violation, gay and married, deported, returned to preasthood and... woman in a mans body.
Alan: Wow. And yet you haven't given up?
Leanne: Of course not. I may hav to kiss a lot of frogs but eventually I'll find my prince.
Alan: [Sounding like a frog] Ribbit.

Charlie: It wouldn't kill you to talk to mom once in a while.
Alan: We don't know that.

Jenna: So, are you a friend of the bride or the groom?
Alan: Well, the bride is my mother, so... the groom.

Judith: [to Jake's teacher on Jake's lack of hobbies] I don't know about his father, but I've tried to share some of my interests with him.
Alan: Unfortunately, he's a little young to drink in the dark and bitch about men.

Alan: Excuse me, but you were the one who's constantly horny!
Judith: And you sure took advantage of it, didn't you?
Alan: Hey! When the bar is only open nine months a decade you drink 'til you puke! ...and then you keep drinking!

Alan: Who will 'Old Alan' be able to count on? Certainly not Jake, 'cause let's face it, his best hope of a steady income is if missing the toilet becomes a professional sport.

Charlie: [refering to one of the girls he brought home] She's not exactly a rocket scientist.
Alan: As opposed to the Nobel prize winners you usually bring home.

Alan: You know what they say about nice guys?
Sharon: Yes, they finish last.
Alan: No, they finish in the shower.

Charlie: Anyway, she said I have to resolve the conflict because my emotions are strongly attached to my lower intestine.
Alan: That makes a certain amount of sense. You think with your penis and your heads up your ass.

Charlie | Alan | Berta | Evelyn | Jake | Judith | Andra


Berta: [sees Evelyn's swollen lips] What'd you do, fellate a beehive?

Berta: Alan? I got a riddle for you: What's short, sticky, picky, and only supposed to be here on weekends? I'll give you a hint: It's your kid.

Sandy: I find just a couple of drops of lemon in the washer makes the clean clothes smell so much better.
Berta: Really? I find just a couple of valiums in my coffee keeps me from snapping necks.

Charlie: Bertha?
Bertha: No. It's Liz Hurley but I'm holding water.

Alan: Morning Berta. Need some help?
Berta: Yeah, come to my house and explain to my daughter that we don't put up bail for cute guys with Costa Rican passports.

[Berta and Charlie are watching Kandi on the deck sunbathing]
Berta: Ok, I haven't sampled anything from the other side of the buffet since I traveled with the Grateful Dead, but Golly Moses, She's A Muffin.

Charlie: Congratulations Alan, it looks like you've officially boinked her brains out.
Alan: Ok, so she's not overly sophisticated...
Berta: Sophisticated? She's two marbles rolling around in a tin can.
Alan: Hey, hey, she's got a great heart, she's warm and loving, and she genuinely cares for me.
Berta: I stand corrected...one marble.

Berta: Chose your words carefully, slim.
Lydia: Slim? [laughs] Why, thank you. I watch what I eat.
Berta: Going in or coming out?

Berta: You still have to go?
Charlie: Well, yeah, it doesn't evaporate. Can't we pull over for a minute?
Berta: In this neighborhood? In a Mercedes? Sure, if you're partial to car theft and sodomy.

Charlie: I just thought you two might hit it off. I'm even making a little welcome basket for you to give to her.
Alan: So, she's beautiful, rich and single. Why would she want me? I'm broke, middle-aged, twice-divorced, sleeping on your hide-a-bed, and sharing custody of a flatulent, underachieving son.
Charlie: We're gonna need a bigger basket.
Berta: We're gonna need chloroform and a rope.

Berta: [To Charlie, referencing his relationship with Myra] Not based on sex? Well unless she sweats bourbon and farts 100 dollar bills, what exactly is going to keep you together?

Berta [to Charlie]: I guess if they can put a man on the moon, they can put a woman on your brother.

Berta: [seeing Alan's swollen eye] Great googooly moogoolies! What the hell happened to you?
Alan: I'm not sure..
Berta: Looks like you got bitten in the face by one of them Ebola monkeys.
Alan: I don't think so, Berta.
Berta: I mean you were not exactly eye candy going in but...now.. Woof! You could scare the flies off a manure truck!

Jake: The baby doesn't look anything like me. In fact, she doesn't look like my mom or my stepdad, either.
Berta: Who does she look like?
Jake: More like a girl version of my dad.
Berta: I thought your dad was the girl version of your dad.

Charlie: I gotta figure out a way to get Gail to leave on her own.
Berta: You got the perfect tool for the job.
Charlie: What are you talking about?
Berta: The one tool that's guaranteed to drive any woman out of the house.
Alan [entering the room]: Hello.
Berta: Oh look, it's an Alan wrench.

Alan: Dammit, how do you get a guy to leave your house who doesn't want to go?
Berta: Tell him you missed your period and you're out of pot. It always worked for me.

Alan: You're going to lose quite a bit of money by pulling out early.
Berta: Yeah well if Jimmy Lee did the same, I wouldn't need the money.

Lydia: Well that's just a little uncalled for. I thought I was doing you a favor.
Berta: You wanna do me a favor? You take the money that you were gonna pay me, convert it into rolls of nickels, then bend over...
(Charlie: [cuts Berta off] Berta, Berta, Berta...)

Berta: Ahh, ain't that sweet? Every time a guy has sex, an angel gets a stiffy.

Charlie | Alan | Berta | Evelyn | Jake | Judith | Andra


Evelyn: I think God gives us children so that death won't come as such a disappointment.

Teddy: Come on, Evelyn, give the kid a break. He was probably out last night sowing some wild oats.
Evelyn: He's 40 years old! He has no more wild oats. Just warmed over Cream of Wheat.

Charlie: I'm not saying I hate you, but if I did, it might have something to do with the fact that you're a narcissistic bloodsucker who drove my father into an early grave, after which you married a succession of men who couldn't care less about Alan and me, which was just fine with you 'cause you... looked at us like a couple of dancing monkeys you could just haul out whenever it suited you! And when it didn't, you sent us off to boarding school or camp or that kibbutz in Israel, where we got beat up 'cause we weren't even Jewish! And now... now you show up here every chance you get to lay a guilt trip on me for not appreciating my cold, lonely, loveless childhood!
Evelyn: Well... obviously you're not ready to talk about it.

Charlie: So what are you doing here?
Evelyn: Well, I'm showing a house at the beach and I thought while I'm in the neighborhood I would drop off a gift for my grandson.
Alan: You're writing him a check? What kind of gift is that?
Evelyn: You told me he likes transformer toys. This check transforms into any toy he wants.

Alan: [reading the newspaper] Hey mom, hears some good news. It seems with medical breakthroughs, the average life span will soon be a hundred years.
Evelyn: Wonderful. More time to be ignored by your children.

Evelyn [to Alan]: I want to see you happy, and not dressed like an unemployed lesbian.

Evelyn: So Lydia, what do you do? I mean besides my son.

Michelle: You have a wonderful son.
Evelyn: Yes I do. But Charlie and Alan must never learn of him.

Evelyn [to Alan after seeing his financial status]: You don't need a real estate agent. You need someone to sell you camping equipment.

Charlie | Alan | Berta | Evelyn | Jake | Judith | Andra


Jake [to Evelyn who just inserted botox in her lips]: Dad says you got your butt in your lips.
Alan: Just eat your dinner.
Jake [to Evelyn]: So if you burped now, it'd really be a fart, right?

Charlie: What do men have that women dont.
Jake: Beards?
Charlie: Lower...
Jake: [in a lower voice] Beards?

Charlie: Well, Jake, your uncle Charlie is getting a vasectomy.
Jake: Oh. - What's wrong with the car you have now?

Evelyn: Well, we can rule out ecstasy. I mean, that's a powerful aphrodisiac... I've heard.
Jake: Nowadays, you're supposed to say African-American disiac.

Jake: We had a surprise test today.
Alan: And?
Jake: I was really surprised.

Charlie | Alan | Berta | Evelyn | Jake | Judith | Andra


Judith: If you're determined to do something stupid, I'd actually prefer you to do Charlie.

Charlie | Alan | Berta | Evelyn | Jake | Judith | Andra


Alan: So... your not gonna have the vasectomy?
Charlie: Hey, I tried my best but it just wasn't ment to be.
Alan: What do you mean?
Charlie: You think it was a coincidence that my urologist was having a baby at the very moment I was about to get snipped? - I mean I'm not a particulary religous guy, but clearly, a power much greater then myself wants me to knock somebody up some day.
Rose [enters the room]: You called?

[comparing Alan and Charlie as lovers]
Kandi: With you, sex is kinda like going on space mountain. It's a good ride, but there's never any real danger. With Alan, it's like being in the back seat of a car driven by a really smart kangaroo. He may go up on the curb a couple times, but he'll get you there.

Alan: Boy am I thirsty.
Kandi: That's 'cause you sweat so much during sex.
Alan: Hey, I may not have the biggest boat in the marina, but nobody rows harder than me.
Kandi: You have a boat?

Alan: Um, I just want to say, I'm a huge fan. I lost my virginity to you.
Steven Tyler: Really? Well, ya know, there's a lot of the seventies I don't remember.

Lydia: Evelyn Harper, I recognize you from your bus bench ads. People all over town are sitting on your face.

Jake: There's just one thing I don't understand.
Judith: What's that, honey?
Jake: If you have sex with a pregnant lady, wouldn't she have twins?
Judith: No.
Naomi: Otherwise, I'd be having a whole damn litter.

Daisy: I'm not homeless. I have a home, I just don't know where it's parked!

Chris: I just found out I have a lump on my groin.
Herb: Bad place for a lump.
Charlie: Tell me a good place.
Herb: Someone else's groin.