Nick: Has anyone noticed anything funny about that rabbit?
Ben: Yep, it's been here two days and hasn't asked me for money yet.
(Serpent's Tooth, säsong 1)

Nick: Who is this Mel, anyway? And how come she's suddenly the font of all girly wisdom?
Janey: Mel is a he.
Nick: Ahhh, a he.
Ben: Oh, a he, how lovely. Well, perhaps you can bring your new friend round for tea, and if he's anything like the last one, he can bring his probation officer.
(Serpent's Tooth, säsong 1)

Nick: I just want to borrow your new laptop.
Ben: I gave you the old laptop.
Nick: It doesn't work.
Ben: Neither do you, you're compatible.
(Serpent's Tooth, säsong 1)

Nick: Dad!
Ben: No.
Nick: What?
Ben: I'm anticipating your next question, it begins with, 'Can I have?'
Nick: Wrong, it begins with, 'Can you lend?'
Ben: Funny, they both end with, 'No'.
(Serpent's Tooth, säsong 1)

Ben: (about the rabbit) Is that defecating rodent still here?
Nick: Alright, I was going anyway.
(Serpent's Tooth, säsong 1)

Ben: (about Nick) Why did we have him?
Susan: Because you were too lazy to get out of bed and walk across the room to the drawer.
(Pain in the Class, säsong 1)

Ben: When boys and girls get to a certain age, they...
Janey: Dad, I'm not a Vir...rey naive person.
(Droit de Seigneur Ben, säsong 1)

Chloe: Do you and your husband ever, you know, have arguments?
Susan: Oh yes. Well, he does. I have an open exchange of ideas.
(The Last Resort, säsong 1)

(Ben sitting with a swingers couple when Susan arrives)
Peter: Come! Join us.
Susan: In which order?
(The Last Resort, säsong 1)

Police Officer: (of the alarm) Your neighbours are complaining it goes off at all times during the night.
Susan: We don't complain about their garden gnomes.
Police Officer: They don't make a noise.
Susan: Oh please! They positively scream bad taste.
(Farewell to Alarms, säsong 1)

Ben: How was your day?
Susan: Fine, until a man in my tour group had his pocket picked in the Houses of Parliament.
Ben: That will teach you to take them to the high-crime areas.
(Farewell to Alarms, säsong 1)

Ben: Susan, who wears the trousers in this family?
Susan: You do, only I get to choose which ones you wear.
(Farewell to Alarms, säsong 1)

Alarm sales man: ...the thing is... You never know how these lowlife yobbos are going to break in to your home.
(Nick is walking by)
Ben: Never mind that one, he's got a key.
(Farewell to Alarms, säsong 1)

(Nick's telling his parents he's got a job and find out they had a bet on when)
Susan: Excuse us darling, but if we didn't make light of your unfortunate track record in the employment area...
Ben: ...we'd put a sack over your head and club you like a baby seal.
(Death Takes a Policy, säsong 1)

Susan: Why is it that whenever Nick annoys you he's my son, and whenever he does something you're proud of he... no, that's never happened.
(Awkward Phase, säsong 1)

(about Nick)
Ben: Why did we have him?
Susan: I don't know, I was asleep.
(Much Ado About Ben, säsong 1)

Ben: I sometimes wonder if Nick's all there, and then sadly I find... he is.
(I Second That Emulsion, säsong 2)

(waking from a nightmare where all three children are performing surgery on him)
Ben: I had this very peculiar dream.
Susan: Sounded more like a nightmare.
Ben: Well, it was quite pleasant, really. The kids were in it... and they all had jobs.
(Breakable, säsong 2)

Susan: So, Abi, how's your Mum and Dad?
Abi: Mum ran off, Dad's a bastard, and my stepmum's a whore.
Susan: That's nice, and your little sister?
Abi: Much better. They're letting her out next Autumn.
(Desperately Squeaking Susan, säsong 3)

(Ben comes in for breakfast hunched over and limping)
Nick: What happened to you?
Ben: I married your mother.
(Desperately Squeaking Susan, säsong 3)

Ben: (about Nick) Why did we have him?
Susan: Because I didn't know that a quickie meant that you'd be that fast.
(The Second Greatest Story Ever Told, säsong 3)

(Nick walks in dressed as Jesus)
Ben: Oh, my God.
Nick: No Dad, it's me, Nick.
(The Second Greatest Story Ever Told, säsong 3)

(After finding a joint in Michael's room)
Ben: Susan, Susan, where are you going?
Susan: I'm going to confront him with this and give him a piece of my mind!
Ben: I think you've lost enough of it already.
(Waiting to Inhale, säsong 3)

(After Ben trips over Abi and twists his ankle)
Abi: Should I run you down to Casualty?
Ben: No. Since you arrived, I've been there so often they've got me chipping in for staff birthdays.
(Misery, säsong 3)

Abi: So what do you reckon Ben's going to get you for your anniversary?
Susan: Same two things as usual... an excuse, and an apology.
(Auto Erotica, säsong 3)

Ben: (hears a buzzing sound and rushes into the bedroom only to find janey using a toothbrush)
Janey: What?
Ben: I thought you were using a d... your mother's toothbrush.
(Handful of Dust, säsong 3)

Ben: When are you gonna learn, Susan, to relax and enjoy doing nothing?
Susan: When will you learn that we women are hard-wired for multi-tasking?
Ben: Hey, I can multi-task. Look: eating crisps, watching the telly, reading the paper and, and... ignoring you.
(The Lost Weekend, säsong 3)

Nick: Dad, I'm going to need some money to buy petrol.
Ben: No you don't, you haven't got a car to put petrol in.
Nick: Yes I have, yours. I'm using it as a mini-cab.
Ben: Why don't you buy your own petrol?
Nick: Why should I? It's your car.
(Ghosts, säsong 3)

Ben: (looking at his living room, full of Christmas trees) I don't know whether to weep, or yodel.
(Ding Dong Merrily..., specialavsnitt, säsong 3)

Ben: (of Kenzo) Susan, the baby will wake up when he's good and ready.
Susan: That is so old-fashioned! Haven't you read any of the latest baby care books?
Ben: Have you?
Susan: I don't need to; I've raised three children... and you.
(Sitting Targets, säsong 4)

Susan: The real issue is Michael.
Ben: Michael?
Susan: Yes, how about you two doing some father and son stuff?
Ben: We are doing some father and son stuff: I'm avoiding him, and he resents me.
(Sitting Targets, säsong 4)

(Ben lets Nick into the house, he's carrying a snake)
Ben: What's that?
Nick: Hmm? Oh. No, it's not a "that", Dad, it's a she. I'd like to introduce you to Pamela.
Ben: You could do better, you know.
Nick: Meaning what?
Ben: I was talking to Pamela.
(It's a Window Filled Life, säsong 4)

Susan: (to the camera) I know him so well I can finish his sentences.
Ben: I can finish my own sentences.
Susan: Yes, but if you want them to make sense, it's better for me to do it.
Ben: Why don't you just stick your hand up my bum and I'll move my lips every time you squeeze my colon?
(My Family: Reloaded, specialavsnitt säsong 5)

Ben: (explaining Jack's attraction to Susan) At 17 you fancy anything. I suppose you can't help being flattered by the attentions of a young stud, but believe me, c'mon, at that age? A tick-infested sheep in a rain storm can begin to look attractive.
(You Don't Know Jack, säsong 5)

Ben: (of Susan applying for a council position) Susan, why are you doing this? It's not as if you're going to make any difference.
Susan: It's thanks to that sort of attitude that you've never made a difference!
Ben: I don't want to make a difference. It's making a difference that led to the Inquisition, the rise of Stalin and thongs for men.
(First Past the Post, säsong 5)

Ben: I tell you I feel like death is staring me straght in the face!
(he looks up and Nick is looking right at him, smiling)
(My Will Be Done, säsong 5)

(Susan has taped Ben sleeping.)
Ben: You taped me without my consent?
Susan: Think of it as CCTV gone wild.
Ben: Susan, that is a violation of the unwritten laws of marriage!
Susan: So is burping during sex, but you still do it.
(While You Weren't Sleeping, säsong 5)

Ben: I was just hoping you might have a suggestion for Susan's Christmas present?
Grace: A divorce?
Ben: (under his breath) Wasn't thinking of spending that much.
(...And I'll Cry If I Want To, specialavsnitt 2005)

(The living room is filled with clowns.)
Susan: (to Ben) Oh, I'm glad you're here. I'd like to introduce you to Cheerful Charlie Chortle, Uncle Morris, and the Amazing Beppo.
Ben: Well, if they're here, who's running the country?
(...And I'll Cry If I Want To, specialavsnitt 2005)

Susan: You're pathetic! You just don't want me to be happier than you.
Ben: Susan, there are pit ponies happier than me.
(Bliss For Idiots, säsong 6)

Ben: (of Susan's book) What is this masterpiece?
Susan: "Shut Up and Be Happy".
Ben: Too late, I'm married.
(Bliss For Idiots, säsong 6)

Dominic: It's an unpopular view these days, but I'm saving myself for marriage.
Susan: That's alright, Janey likes a challenge.
(The Spokes Person, säsong 6)

Ben: Susan, you're acting like re-mortgaging our house is the biggest thing in the world. C'mon! We'll be in and out of there before anyone even notices.
Susan: Well you're the expert at that.
(An Embarrassment of Susans, säsong 6)

Susan: (of the dog) I've just got to go and get dressed. I'm taking Ben for a walk.
Ben: Ben? When did you start calling him Ben?
Susan: When he started scratching himself inappropriately.
(And Other Animals, säsong 6)

Anne: In the home, a TV set that is not designed to show a colour picture is described as being "black and... what"?
Abi: Decker!
(Susan Of Troy, säsong 7)

Janey: You have got a girl pregnant! Oh Michael (hugs him) You idiot!
Michael: Says my wonderful sister who's legs have two different postal codes!
(The Parent Trap, säsong 8)