Abbott & Costellos klassiker i originalversion.

För den som inte hört den här sketchen förut kan jag påpeka att "Who" är namnet på spelaren på första basen (first base), "What" heter den på andra och "Idontknow" heter killen på tredje. Killen på vänsterkanten (left field) kallas "Why" och killen i mitten (center field) kallas "Because". Slutligen har dom en "catcher" som heter "Today" och en "pitcher" som heter "Tomorrow". Obegripligt kul, åtminstone när man hör dom "live".

Inledningen är olika från gång till gång. Så här kan det låta:

LOU: Oh, I'll tell you their names but you know as strange as it may seem, they give these ballplayers nowdays very peculiar names....
BUD: You mean funny names?
LOU: ....strange names, pet-names, like "Dizzy Dean" and....
BUD: ..his brother Daphne..
LOU: ...."Daffy Dean"....
BUD: ...and their french cousin....
LOU: French?
BUD: "Buffay"
LOU: "Buffay Dean...oh I see."

...men från inledningen nedan är det i stort sett alltid samma dialog:

Well, lets see. We have on the bench. We have "Who" on first, "What's" on second, "I dont know" is on third....
BUD: That's what I want to find out.
LOU: I say: "Who's" on first, "What's" on second, "I Don't Know" is on third.
BUD: Are you the manager?
LOU: Yes.
BUD: You're gonna be the coach to?
LOU: Yes.
BUD: Do you know the fellas names?
LOU: Well I should.
BUD: Well then, Who's on first?
LOU: Yes.
BUD: I mean the fellows name?
LOU: "Who".
BUD: The guy on first?
LOU: "Who".
BUD: The first baseman?
LOU: "Who".
BUD: The guy playing on.........
LOU: "Who" is on first!!!:
BUD: I'm asking you -- who's on first?
LOU: That's the mans name.
BUD: That's who's name?
LOU: Yes.
BUD: Well, go ahead and tell me.
LOU: That's it!
BUD: That's who?
LOU: Yeah!
BUD: (pause) Look... Do you got a first baseman?
LOU: Certainly.
BUD: Who's playing first?
LOU: That's right.
BUD: (pause) When you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets the money?
LOU: Every dollar of it.
BUD: All I'm trying to find out is the fellows name on first base?
LOU: "Who".
BUD: The guy that gets the.....
LOU: Thats it!
BUD: Who gets the money?
LOU: He does. Every dollar. Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it.
BUD: Who's wife?
LOU: Yes! (pause) What's wrong with that?
BUD: Look. What I wanna know is when you sign up the first baseman, how does he sign he's name on the contract?
LOU: "Who".
BUD: The guy...
LOU: "Who".
BUD: How does he sign he's name on.....?
LOU: That's how he signs it!
BUD: Who?
LOU: Yes.
BUD: (pause) All I'm trying to find out is what's the guys name on first base.
LOU: Oh, no, "What" is on second base.
BUD: I'm not asking you who's on second.
LOU: "Who's" on first.
BUD: One base at the time!
LOU: Well, don't change the players around.
BUD: I'm not changing nobody.
LOU: Take it easy, buddy.
BUD: I'm only asking you: Who's the guy on first base?
LOU: That's right!
BUD: Okey!
LOU: Alright!
BUD: (pause) I mean, what's the guy's name on first base?
LOU: No, "What" is on second.
BUD: I'm not askin' ya who's on second.
LOU: "Who's" on first.
BUD: I don't know.
LOU: O, he's on third. We're not talking about him. Now let's.....
BUD: (pause) Now how could I get on third base?
LOU: Well, you mentioned his name.
BUD: If I mentioned the third baseman's name, who did I say is playing third?
LOU: No, "Who's" playing first.
BUD: What's on...?
LOU: "What's" on second.
BUD: I don't know.
LOU: He's on third.
BUD: (Himlar med ögonen) There I go, back on third again. (pause) Will you stay off third base and don't go off it!
LOU: Alright, alright. What do you wanna know?
BUD: Now who's playing third base?
LOU: Why do you insist on putting "Who" on third base?
BUD: What am I putting on third????
LOU: No, "What" is on second....
BUD: You don't know who's on second!!!!
LOU: "Who's" on first.
BUD: I don't know.
BUD & LOU: (Tittar på varandra. Blixtsnabbt i kor;) THIRD BASE!!
BUD: (pause) Look, you got outfield?
LOU: Sure.
BUD: The outfielders name?
LOU: "Why".
BUD: I just thought I'd ask.
LOU: Well, I just thought I'd tell you.
BUD: Them tell me who's playing left field.
LOU: "Who's" playing first.
BUD: I'm not....stay out of the infield!:
LOU: Don't mention any names out here.
BUD: I want to know what's the guy's name on left field?
LOU: No, "What" is on second.
BUD: I'm not askin' ya who's on second.
LOU: "Who" is on first.
BUD: I don't know.
BUD & LOU: (i kor, samtidigt som de tittar bort från varandra.) THIRD BASE!!
BUD: And the left fielder's name?
LOU: "Why".
BUD: Because.
LOU: Oh, he's center field.
BUD: (snyftar). (pause) Look, look, you got a pitcher on the team?
LOU: Sure.
BUD: The pitcher's name.......
LOU: "Tomorrow".
BUD: You don't want to tell me today?
LOU: I'm tell you, man.
BUD: Then go ahead.
LOU: "Tomorrow".
BUD: What time?
LOU: What time what?
BUD: What time tomorrow are you gonna tell me who's pitching?
LOU: Now listen, "Who" is not pitching. "Who" is on...
BUD: I'll break you arm if you say "who's on first"!!! I want to know what's the pitcher's name.
LOU: "What's" on second.
BUD: I don't know.
BUD & LOU: (Blixtsnabbt!) THIRD BASE!!
BUD: (pause) Got a catcher?
LOU: Certainly.
BUD: The catcher's name?
LOU: "Today".
BUD: Today. And Tomorrow's pitching.
LOU: Now you've got it.
BUD: All we got is a couple of days on the team.
LOU: Well I can't help that.
BUD: You know I'm a catcher too.
LOU: So they tell me.
BUD: I could give you how to play some fancy catching tomorrows pitching on my team, and a heavy inner catching.
LOU: Yes.
BUD: Now, the heaver hitter bunts the ball. When he bunts the ball -- me being a good catcher -- I want to throw the guy out a first base, so I pick up the ball and throw it to who?
LOU: Now that's the first thing you've said right.
BUD: I don't even know what I'm talking about!!!!
LOU: Well, that's all you have to do.....
BUD: ...is to throw the ball at first base.
LOU: Yes.
BUD: Now who's got it?
LOU: "Naturally".
BUD: (pause) Now I throw the ball at first base. Somebody's gotta get it. Now, who has it? :
LOU: "Naturally".
BUD: Who?
LOU: "Naturally".
BUD: Naturally?
LOU: "Naturally".
BUD: So I pick up the ball and I throw it to "Naturally"?
LOU: No, you don't, you throw the ball to "Who"!
BUD: Naturally.
LOU: That's different.
BUD: That's what I said.
LOU: You're not saying that.
BUD: I throw the ball to "Naturally".
LOU: You throw it to "Who".
BUD: Naturally.
LOU: That's it!
BUD: That's what i said.
LOU: Listen. You asked me!
BUD: I throw the ball to "Who".
LOU: Naturally.
BUD: Now you ask me!
LOU: You throw the ball to "Who".
BUD: Naturally.
LOU: That's it!
BUD: SAME AS YOU!!!!!
LOU: Don't take the.......
BUD: SAME AS YOU!!!!!
LOU: Now get it over with.
BUD: I throw the ball to who? Whoever it is drops the ball and the guy runs to second.....
LOU: Yes.
BUD: "Who" picks up the ball and throws it to "What", "What" throws it to "I don't know", "I don't know" throws it back to "Tomorrow". Triple play!
LOU: Yes.
BUD: Another guy get's up and it's a long flyball to "Because"! Why!!! I don't know!!! He's on third and I don't give a darn!!!
LOU: What?
BUD: I said I don't give a darn!!!
LOU: Oh, that's our shortstop! (Springer iväg.)
BUD: Abbott! (Samtidigt som han springer efter Lou.)