Yes, Minister | Yes, Prime Minister | Yes, Minister - julspecialen


Avsnitt 1.1 - Open govermnent

(Discussing what ministerial office Jim will get)

Frank Weisel: "Did you know that Martin has got the Foreign Office, Jack has got Health, and Fred has got Energy."
Annie Hacker: "Has anyone got brains?"
Jim Hacker: "You mean Education?"
Annie Hacker: "No, I know what I mean."
Jim Hacker: "Well, what's left? I mean, what have I got?
Annie Hacker: "Rhythm?"

Bernard: "Well, yes, Sir...I mean, it [open government] is the Minister's policy after all."
Sir Arnold: "My dear boy, it is a contradiction in terms: you can be open or you can have government."

Avsnitt 1.2 - The Official Visit

Jim Hacker: "What am I going to do with all this correspondence?"
Bernard: "You do realize you don't actually have to, Minister."
Jim Hacker: "Don't I?"
Bernard: "Not if you don't want to, we can draft an official reply."
Jim Hacker: "What's an official reply?"
Bernard: "It just says The Minister has asked me to thank you for your letter and we say something like The matter is under consideration, or even if we feel so inclined under active consideration."
Jim Hacker: "What's the difference?"
Bernard: "Well, under consideration means we've lost the file, under active consideration means we're trying to find it."

Avsnitt 1.3 - The Economy Drive

Sir Humphrey: "The public doesn't know anything about wasting government money, we're the experts."

Avsnitt 1.4 - Big Brother

Sir Humphrey: "If there had been investigations, which there haven't, or not necessarily, or I'm not at liberty to say whether there have, there would have been a project team which, had it existed, on which I cannot comment, which would now have disbanded, if it had existed, and the members returned to their original departments, if indeed there had been any such members."

Jim: "I'm glad you asked me that question, because... It's a question a lot of people are asking. And why? Because a lot of people want to know the answer to it... and let's be quite clear about this, without beating about the bush, the plain fact of the matter is... that it's a very important question indeed and people have a right to know."
Interviewer: "Minister, we haven't yet had the answer."
Jim: "I'm sorry, what was the question?"

Sir Humphrey: "If there had been investigations, which there haven't, or not necessarily, or I'm not at liberty to say whether there have, there would have been a project team which, had it existed, on which I cannot comment, which would now have disbanded, if it had existed, and the members returned to their original departments, if indeed there had been any such members."

Avsnitt 1.5 - The Writing on the Wall

Jim Hacker: "When you give your evidence to the Think Tank, are you going to support my view that the Civil Service is over manned and feather-bedded, or not? Yes or no? Straight answer."
Sir Humphrey: "Well Minister, if you ask me for a straight answer, then I shall say that, as far as we can see, looking at it by and large, taking one thing with another in terms of the average of departments, then in the final analysis it is probably true to say, that at the end of the day, in general terms, you would probably find that, not to put too fine a point on it, there probably wasn't very much in it one way or the other. As far as one can see, at this stage."

Avsnitt 1.6 -The Right to Know

Jim Hacker: "Humphrey, do you see it as part of your job to help Ministers make fools of themselves?"
Sir Humphrey: "Well, I never met one that needed any help."

Sir Humphrey: "Minister, I have something to say to you which you may not like to hear."
Jim Hacker: "Why should today be any different?"
Sir Humphrey: "Minister, the traditional allocation of executive responsibilities has always been so determined as to liberate the ministerial incumbent from the administrative minutiae by devolving the managerial functions to those whose experience and qualifications have better formed them for the performance of such humble offices, thereby releasing their political overlords for the more onerous duties and profound deliberations which are the inevitable concomitant of their exalted position."
Jim Hacker: "I wonder what made you think I didn't want to hear that?"

Ecological activist: "There is nothing special about man, Mr. Hacker. We're not above nature. We're all part of it. Man are animals too, you know."
Jim Hacker: "I know that, I have just come from the House of Commons."

Avsnitt 2.1 - The Compassionate Society

Jim Hacker: "Fortunately Bernard, most of our journalists are so incompetent that they have the gravest difficulty in finding out that today is Wednesday."
Bernard: "It's actually Thursday, Minister."

Avsnitt 2.2 - Doing the Honours

(Talking about the abbreviations of the honours CMG, KCMG and GCMG)
Bernard: "Of course in the service, CMG stands for Call Me God. And KCMG for Kindly Call Me God."
Jim Hacker: "What does GCMG stand for?"
Bernard: "God Calls Me God."

Avsnitt 2.3 - The Death List

[Talking about the very successful petition on electronic surveillance]
Bernard: "Shall I file it?"
Jim Hacker: "File it? Shred it!"
Bernard: "Shred it??"
Jim Hacker: "Nobody must ever be able to find it again."
Bernard: "In that case, Minister, I think it is best I file it."

Sir Humphrey: "Surveillance is an indispensable weapon in the battle against organized crime."
Jim Hacker: "You're not describing politicians as organized crime?"
Sir Humphrey: "No...well, disorganized crime too of course."

Avsnitt 2.4 - The Greasy Pole

Jim Hacker: "How come the Times knows the wording of the Henderson report before I do."
Bernard: "There has been a leak, Minister."
Jim Hacker: "I know that! This is marked Confidential, I mean I only got a draft report last night."
Bernard: "At least it was not labeled Restricted."
Jim Hacker: "Why do you say that?"
Bernard: "Restricted means it was in the papers yesterday. Confidential means it won't be in the papers until today."

Avsnitt 2.5 - The Devil You Know

Jim Hacker: "Brussels is a shambles. You know what they say about the average Common Market official: he has the organizing ability of the Italians, the flexibility of the Germans, and the modesty of the French. And that's topped up by the imagination of the Belgians, the generosity of the Dutch and the intelligence of the Irish."

[Talking about defying the word processing directive from Brussels]
Jim Hacker: "But we can't stab our partners in the back and spit in their face."
Bernard: "You can't stab anyone in the back, while you spit in their face."

Avsnitt 2.6 - The Quality of Life

[Talking about the Bank's building plans]
Jim Hacker: "I see, it's just profits, isn't it, Sir Desmond?"
Sir Desmond Glazebrook: "Not just profits, it's profits."
Jim Hacker: "Don't you think of anything but money?"
Sir Desmond: "No, why?"
Jim Hacker: "What about beauty?"
Sir Desmond: "Beauty? This is a building, not an oil painting."
Jim Hacker: "And the environment?"
Sir Desmond: "Oh yes, I promise you we'll make sure it is part of the environment. It is bound to be once it's there, isn't it?"

Avsnitt 2.7 - A Question of Loyalty

Jim Hacker: "Tiny mistake? 75,000 pounds [wasted]! Give me an example of a big mistake."
Sir Humphrey: "Letting people find out about it."

Sir Humphrey: "There is the excuse we used for the Munich Agreement: It occurred before certain important facts were known, and couldn't happen again."
Jim Hacker: "What important facts?"
Sir Humphrey: "Well, that Hitler wanted to conquer Europe."
Jim Hacker: "I thought that everybody knew that."
Sir Humphrey: "Not the Foreign Office."

Avsnitt 3.1 - Equal Opportunities

[Talking about the reasons for leaving the Civil Service]
Sarah Harrison: "Well quite honestly, Minister, I want a job where I don't spend endless hours circulating information that isn't relevant, about subjects that don't matter to people who aren't interested. I want a job where there is achievement, rather than merely activity. I am tired of pushing paper. I want to be able to point to something and say: I did that."
Sir Humphrey: "I don't understand..."
Sarah Harrison: "I know. That's why I'm leaving."
Jim Hacker: "Surely you're not saying that the government of Britain is unimportant?"
Sarah Harrison: "No, it's very important. It's just that I haven't met anyone who is doing it."

Jim Hacker: "I have made a policy decision. I am going to do something about the number of women in the Civil Service."
Sir Humphrey: "Surely there aren't all that many?"

Avsnitt 3.2 - The Challenge

Jim Hacker: "But the broad strategy [in reforming local government] is to cut ruthlessly at waste while leaving essential services intact."
Ludovic Kennedy: "Well, that is what your predecessor said. Are you saying that he failed?"
Jim Hacker: "Please, let me finish, because we must be absolutely clear about this, and I would be quite frank with you, the plain fact of the matter is that at the end of the day it is the right, no the duty, of the elected government in the House of Commons to ensure that government policies, the policies on which we were elected and for which we have a mandate, the policies after all for which the people voted, are the policies which finally when the national cake has been divided up, and may I remind you we as a nation don't have unlimited wealth, so we can't pay ourselves more than we've earned, are the policies..... I'm sorry what was the question again?"

Jim Hacker: "This government believes in reducing bureaucracy."
Ludovic Kennedy: "Well, figures that I have here say that your department's staff has risen by 10%."
Jim Hacker: "Certainly not."
Ludovic Kennedy: "Well, what figure do you have?"
Jim Hacker: "I believe the figure is much more like 9.97."
Ludovic Kennedy: "How are you going to meet the challenge [in reforming local government]?"
Jim Hacker: "It is far to early to give detailed proposals, after all I have just come here direct from Number 10."
Ludovic Kennedy: "From Number 9.97, perhaps?"

Avsnitt 3.3 - The Skeleton in the Cupboard

Jim Hacker: "Bernard, how did Sir Humphrey know I was with Dr. Cartwright?"
Bernard: "God moves in a mysterious way."
Jim Hacker: "Let me make one thing perfectly clear: Humphrey is not God, okay."
Bernard: "Will you tell him or shall I?"
Jim Hacker: "Tell me how he knew where I was."
Bernard: "Well, confidentially Minister, everything you tell me is in complete confidence, so equally, and I am sure you appreciate this, and by appreciate I don't actually mean appreciate, I mean understand, that everything Sir Humphrey tells me is also in complete confidence, as indeed everything I tell you is in complete confidence, and for that matter everything I tell Sir Humphrey is in complete confidence."
Jim Hacker: "So?"
Bernard: "So in complete confidence, I am confident that you understand that for me to keep Sir Humphrey's confidence and your confidence, means that conversations between him and me must be completely confidential, as confidential in fact as conversations between you and me are completely confidential."

Sir Humphrey: "Minister, I think there is something you perhaps ought to know."
Jim Hacker: "Yes Humphrey?"
Sir Humphrey: "The identity of the Official whose alleged responsibility for this hypothetical oversight has been the subject of recent discussion, is NOT shrouded in quite such impenetrable obscurity as certain previous disclosures may have led you to assume, but not to put too fine a point on it, the individual in question is, it may surprise you to learn, one whom you present interlocutor is in the habit of defining by means of the perpendicular pronoun."
Jim Hacker: "I beg your pardon?"
Sir Humphrey: (very resignated) "It was...I."

Avsnitt 3.4 - The Moral Dimension

[Sir Humphrey explaining why he is dressed as an Arab at the Qumrani reception]
Sir Humphrey: "The Foreign Office takes the view that as the Arab nations are a very sensitive people that we should show them who's side we're on."
Jim Hacker: "Well it may come as a surprise to the Foreign Office, but you are supposed to be on our side."

Jim Hacker: "Are you saying that winking at corruption is government policy?"
Sir Humphrey: "No, no, Minister. It could never be government policy. That is unthinkable. Only government practice."

Jim Hacker: "It is not like the Financial Times to print a [bribery] story like this unless there is something behind it. Is there something behind it, Humphrey?"
Bernard: "I think sports news is behind it."

Avsnitt 3.5 - The Bed of Nails

Sir Humphrey: "The ship of state, Bernard, is the only ship that leaks from the top."

Avsnitt 3.6 - The Whisky Priest

Sir Humphrey: "My job is to carry out government policy."
Jim Hacker: "Even if you think it is wrong?"
Sir Humphrey: "Well, almost all government policy is wrong, but...frightfully well carried out."

Avsnitt 3.7 - The Middle-Class Rip-Off

Jim Hacker: "I thought these planning inspectors were supposed to be impartial?"
Bernard: "Oh really, Minister. So they are, railway trains are impartial too, but if you lay down the lines for them that's the way they go."

Yes, Minister | Yes, Prime Minister | Yes, Minister - julspecialen


Avsnitt 1.1 - The Grand Design

Sir Humphrey: "With Trident we could obliterate the whole of Eastern Europe."
Jim Hacker: "I don't want to obliterate the whole of Eastern Europe."
Sir Humphrey: "It's a deterrent."
Jim Hacker: "It's a bluff. I probably wouldn't use it."
Sir Humphrey: "Yes, but they don't know that you probably wouldn't."
Jim Hacker: "They probably do."
Sir Humphrey: "Yes, they probably know that you probably wouldn't. But they can't certainly know."
Jim Hacker: "They probably certainly know that I probably wouldn't."
Sir Humphrey: "Yes, but even though they probably certainly know that you probably wouldn't, they don't certainly know that, although you probably wouldn't, there is no probability that you certainly would."

Sir Humphrey: "Don't you believe that Great Britain should have the best?"
Jim Hacker: "Yes, of course."
Sir Humphrey: "Very well, if you walked into a nuclear missile showroom you would buy Trident - it's lovely, it's elegant, it's beautiful. It is quite simply the best. And Britain should have the best. In the world of the nuclear missile it is the Saville Row suit, the Rolls Royce Corniche, the Château Lafitte 1945. It is the nuclear missile Harrods would sell you. What more can I say?"
Jim Hacker: "Only that it costs £15 billion and we don't need it."
Sir Humphrey: "Well, you can say that about anything at Harrods."

Bernard: "That is why that torpedo landed on Sandwich Golf Course."
Jim Hacker: "Sandwich Golf Course? I didn't read that in the paper."
Bernard: "No, of course not: there was a cover-up. The members just found a new bunker on the 7th fairway the next day."

Avsnitt 1.2 - The Ministerial Broadcast

Sir Humphrey: "You know what happens: nice young lady comes up to you. Obviously you want to create a good impression, you don't want to look a fool, do you? So she starts asking you some questions: Mr. Woolley, are you worried about the number of young people without jobs?"
Bernard: "Yes"
Sir Humphrey: "Are you worried about the rise in crime among teenagers?"
Bernard: "Yes"
Sir Humphrey: "Do you think there is a lack of discipline in our Comprehensive schools?"
Bernard: "Yes"
Sir Humphrey: "Do you think young people welcome some authority and leadership in their lives?"
Bernard: "Yes"
Sir Humphrey: "Do you think they respond to a challenge?"
Bernard: "Yes"
Sir Humphrey: "Would you be in favour of reintroducing National Service?"
Bernard: "Oh...well, I suppose I might be."
Sir Humphrey: "Yes or no?"
Bernard: "Yes"
Sir Humphrey: "Of course you would, Bernard. After all you told you can't say no to that. So they don't mention the first five questions and they publish the last one."
Bernard: "Is that really what they do?"
Sir Humphrey: "Well, not the reputable ones no, but there aren't many of those. So alternatively the young lady can get the opposite result."
Bernard: "How?"
Sir Humphrey: "Mr. Woolley, are you worried about the danger of war?"
Bernard: "Yes"
Sir Humphrey: "Are you worried about the growth of armaments?"
Bernard: "Yes"
Sir Humphrey: "Do you think there is a danger in giving young people guns and teaching them how to kill?"
Bernard: "Yes"
Sir Humphrey: "Do you think it is wrong to force people to take up arms against their will?"
Bernard: "Yes"
Sir Humphrey: "Would you oppose the reintroduction of National Service?"
Bernard: "Yes"
Sir Humphrey: "There you are, you see Bernard. The perfect balanced sample."

Sir Humphrey: "It's clear that the Committee has agreed that your new policy is really an excellent plan. But in view of the doubts being expressed, may I propose that I recall that after careful consideration, the considered view of the Committee was that, while they considered that the proposal met with broad approval in principle, that some of the principles were sufficiently fundamental in principle, and some of the considerations so complex and finely balanced in practice that in principle it was proposed that the sensible and prudent practice would be to submit the proposal for more detailed consideration, laying stress on the essential continuity of the new proposal with existing principles, the principal of the principal arguments which the proposal proposes and propounds for their approval. In principle."

Avsnitt 1.3 - The Smoke Screen

Sir Humphrey: "Taxation isn't about what you need."
Jim Hacker: "Oh, what is it about?"
Sir Humphrey: "Prime Minister, the Treasury doesn't work out what they need to spend and then think how to raise the money."
Jim Hacker: "What does it do?"
Sir Humphrey: "They pitch for as much as they think they can get away with and then think what to spend it on."

Avsnitt 1.4 - The Key

Sir Humphrey: "Prime Minister, I must protest in the strongest possible terms my profound opposition to a newly instituted practice which imposes severe and intolerable restrictions upon the ingress and egress of senior members of the hierarchy and which will, in all probability, should the current deplorable innovation be perpetuated, precipitate a constriction of the channels of communication, and culminate in a condition of organisational atrophy and administrative paralysis which will render effectively impossible the coherent and co-ordinated discharge of the functions of government within Her Majesty's United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland."
Jim Hacker: "You mean you've lost your key?"

Jim Hacker: "Bernard, I really don't want Humphrey putting his head round the door during this meeting."
Bernard: "Well, I'll do my best, Prime Minister."
Jim Hacker: "That may not be good enough, Bernard. Dorothy tells me that technically Humphrey's supposed to phone you from the cabinet office before he comes through to Number Ten. Is that true?"
Bernard: "(dubiously) Well, perhaps in theory, but it's really just a formality."
Jim Hacker: "Good. Humphrey likes formality."

Jim Hacker: "People can wait in the lobby or in the state room."
Sir Humphrey: "Some people. But some people must wait where other people cannot see the people who are waiting. And people who arrive before other people, must wait where they cannot see other people who arrive after them being admitted before them. And people wo come in from outside must wait where they cannot see the people from inside coming in to tell you what the people from outside are going to see you about. And people who arrive when you are with people that are not suppose to know you have seen, must wait somewhere until the people you are not suppose to have seen, have seen you.
Jim Hacker: "Sounds like an entire Whitehall farce going on."

Jim Hacker: "If, as you say, [Humphrey]'s not overstretched..."
Sir Frank Gordon: "Ah, when I say not overstretched, I was off course talking in a sense of total cumulative loading taken globally, rather than in respect of certain individual and essentially anomalous responsibilities that, logically speaking, are not consonant or harmonious with the broad spectrum of intermeshing and inseparable function, and could indeed be said to place an excessive and supererogative burden on the office, where considered in relation to the comparatively exiguous advantages of their overall centralisation."
Jim Hacker: "You could do part of Humphrey's job!"

Jim Hacker: "Why did you allow Sir Humphrey to come in here when I explicitly told you not to?"
Bernard: "Well, I couldn't stop him."
Jim Hacker: "Why not?"
Bernard: "He's bigger than me."

Avsnitt 1.6 - A Victory for Democracy

Jim Hacker: "We should always fight for the weak against the strong."
Sir Humphrey: "Well, why don't we send troops to Afghanistan to fight the Russians?"
Jim Hacker: "The Russians are too strong."

Avsnitt 1.7 - The Bishop's Gambit

Sir Humphrey: "The Church is looking for a candidate to maintain the balance."
Master of Baillie College: "What balance?"
Sir Humphrey: "Between those that believe in God and those that don't."

Sir Humphrey: "Bishops tend to have long lives. Apparently the Lord isn't all that keen on them to join him."

Sir Humphrey: The Queen is inseparable from the Church of England."
Jim Hacker: "And what about God?"
Sir Humphrey: I think he is what is called an optional extra."

Jim Hacker: "The Foreign Office will never get the Cabinet to agree to this policy."
Sir Humphrey: "The Foreign Office never expect the Cabinet to agree with any of their policies. That is why they never fully explain them."

Avsnitt 1.8 - One of Us

Jim Hacker: "I'm happy to tell you that you've been cleared of spying."
Sir Humphrey: "How?"
Jim Hacker: "Something Sir John Halstead wrote."
Sir Humphrey: "Oh, that is very gratifying."
Jim Hacker: "Yes indeed, I knew you would be pleased."
Sir Humphrey: "May one see the document?"
Jim Hacker: "One certainly may. Better still, one can have it read to one;
May 28 - Another session with that prize goof Appleby. Fooled him completely."
Sir Humphrey: "Yes I see, well thank you, Prime Minister."
Jim Hacker: "No, no, no, it goes on, Humphrey, clears you even more;
Never asked any of the difficult questions. Didn't seem to have read the MI5 file..."
Sir Humphrey: "Yes that is quite clear, thank you very much."
Jim Hacker: "...So much wool in his head, it is child's play to pull it over his eyes. Isn't that wonderful! You must be a very happy man."

Sir Humphrey: "Arnold, are you suggesting that I should have the Prime Minister crawling all over Salisbury Plain, with a mine detector in one hand and a packet of Winalot in the other?"
Sir Arnold: "It would probably do Britain less harm than anything else he is likely to be doing."

Jim Hacker: "Yes Humphrey, there is something I want to talk to you about. Something very secret. Uhm......."
Sir Humphrey: "Would it be easier if I wasn't here?"

Jim Hacker: "You sure you watched the whole of the news?"
Annie Hacker: "Yes."
Jim Hacker: "Wasn't it on, the bit about me?"
Annie Hacker: "No, unless I missed it of course."
Jim Hacker: "But you said you watched the whole of the news."
Annie Hacker: "Yes, but you know how it is when one watches TV: one sort of mentally tunes out the boring bits."

Avsnitt 2.1 - Man Overboard

Sir Humphrey: "It is characteristic of all committee discussions and decisions that every member has a vivid recollection of them and that every member's recollection of them differs violently from every other member's recollection. Consequently, we accept the convention that the official decisions are those and only those which have been officially recorded in the minutes by the Officials, from which it emerges with an elegant inevitability that any decision which has been officially reached will have been officially recorded in the minutes by the Officials and any decision which is not recorded in the minutes is not been officially reached even if one or more members believe they can recollect it, so in this particular case, if the decision had been officially reached it would have been officially recorded in the minutes by the Officials. And it isn't so it wasn't."

Sir Humphrey: "Now go in there and inform me of their conversation."
Bernard: "I'm not sure I can do that, Sir Humphrey. It might be confidential."
Sir Humphrey: "Bernard, the matter at issue is the defence of the realm and the stability of the government."
Bernard: "But you only need to know things on a need to know basis."
Sir Humphrey: "I need to know everything! How else can I judge whether or not I need to know it?"
Bernard: "So that means you need to know things even when you don't need to know. You need to know them not because you need to know them, but because you need to know whether or not you need to know. And if you don't need to know you still need to know, so that you know there is no need to know."

Sir Arnold: "I presume the Prime Minister is in favour of this scheme because it will reduce unemployment?"
Sir Humphrey: "Well, it looks as if he's reducing unemployment."
Sir Arnold: "Or looks as if he's trying to reduce unemployment."
Sir Humphrey: "While as in reality he's only trying to look as if he's trying to reduce unemployment."
Sir Arnold: "Yes, because he's worried that it does not look as if he's trying to look as if he's trying to reduce unemployment."

Sir Humphrey: "Why do they want your job [PM] so much?"
Jim Hacker: "Because I am the only member of the government that can't be send to Northern Ireland next week."

Bernard: [Regarding Dudley, the Employment Secretary making a mistake] -"It's one of the seven Dudley sins".

Avsnitt 2.2 - Official Secrets

Bernard: "Well, thinking back on what I said, and what they said, and what I said you said, and what they may say I said you said, or what they may have thought I said I thought you thought, well, they may say I said I thought you said you thought..."
Jim Hacker: "Go on, Bernard."
Bernard: "Well, I think I said you said you thought ... you were above the law."
Jim Hacker: "YOU SAID THAT?!"
Bernard: "Well, not intentionally. It is just the way it came out. I am terribly sorry but they were asking me all these questions."
Jim Hacker: "Bernard, just because people ask you questions, what makes you think you have to answer them?"
Bernard: "Well, I don't know."
Jim Hacker: "You never answered my questions just because I ask them."

Sir Humphrey: "It's up to you, Bernard, what do you want?"
Bernard: "I want to have a clear conscience."
Sir Humphrey: "A clear conscience."
Bernard: "Yes"
Sir Humphrey: "When did you acquire this taste for luxuries?"

Jim Hacker: "Now about nailing that leak..."
Bernard: "I'm sorry to be pedantic, but if you nail a leak you make another."

Jim Hacker: "I want this traced at once. It must have been someone at yesterday's meeting."
Sir Humphrey: "Well, I'll set up a leak inquiry straight away."
Jim Hacker: "I don't want a leak inquiry. I want to find out who did it."

Avsnitt 2.3 - A Diplomatic Incident

Jim Hacker: "Don't we ever get our own way with the French?"
Sir Humphrey: "Well, sometimes."
Jim Hacker: "When was the last time?"
Sir Humphrey: "Battle of Waterloo, 1815."

Avsnitt 2.4 - A Conflict of Interest

Jim Hacker: "Don't tell me about the press. I know exactly who reads the papers:
- The Daily Mirror is read by people who think they run the country;
- The Guardian is read by people who think they ought to run the country;
- The Times is read by people who actually do run the country;
- The Daily Mail is read by the wives of the people who run the country;
- The Financial Times is read by people who own the country;
- The Morning Star is read by people who think the country ought to be run by another country;
- And the Daily Telegraph is read by people who think it is."
Sir Humphrey: "Prime Minister, what about the people who read the Sun?"
Bernard: "Sun readers don't care who runs the country, as long as she's got big tits."

Sir Humphrey: "When you wish to suggest that somebody is perhaps not the ideal choice..."
Bernard: " rubbish them?"
Sir Humphrey: "No, the first stage is to express absolute support."
Bernard: "Why?"
Sir Humphrey: "Because you don't want to go on record as saying somebody is no good. You must be seen to be their friend. After all, it is necessary to get behind someone before you can stab them in the back."

Avsnitt 2.5 - Power to the People

Sir Humphrey: "Prime Minister, I have had another word with her. To put it simply, Prime Minister, certain informal discussions took place involving a full and frank exchange of views, after which there arose a series of proposals which on examination proved to indicate certain promising lines of enquiry, which when pursuit led to the realization that the alternative courses of action might in fact, in certain circumstances, be susceptible of discreet modification, leading to a reappraisal of the original areas of difference and pointing a way to encouraging possibilities of compromise and cooperation which if bilaterally implemented with appropriate give and take on both sides might, if the climate were right, have a reasonable possibility at the end of the day of leading rightly or wrongly to a mutually satisfactory resolution."
Jim Hacker: "What the hell are you talking about?!"
Sir Humphrey: "We did a deal."

Agnes Moorhouse: "Animals have rights too, you know. A battery chicken's life isn't worth living. Would you want to spend your life packed in with six hundred other desperate, squawking, smelly creatures, unable to breathe fresh air, unable to move, unable to stretch, unable to think?"
Sir Humphrey: "Certainly not, that is why I never stood for Parliament."

Sir Humphrey: "But I am sure we agree on a fundamental basis of order and authority?"
Agnes Moorhouse: "That's half true."
Sir Humphrey: "Half true?"
Agnes Moorhouse: "You agree, I don't."

Avsnitt 2.6 - The Patron of the Arts

Jim Hacker: "Well, of course we do what we can. There are many calls on the public purse: inner cities, schools, hospitals, kidney machines..."
Actress one: "...tanks..."
Actress two: "...rockets..."
Actress three: "...H-bombs..."
Jim Hacker: "Well, we can't really defend ourselves against the Russians with a performance of Henry V."

Bernard: "May I just clarify this? You think the National Theatre thinks that you are bluffing and the National Theatre thinks that you think that they are bluffing, whereas your bluff is to make the National Theatre think that you are bluffing when you are not bluffing, or if you are bluffing, your bluff is to make them think you are not bluffing. And their bluff must be that they're bluffing, because if they're not bluffing they're not bluffing."

Avsnitt 2.7 - The National Education Service

Sir Humphrey: "And with respect, Prime Minister, I think that the DES will react with some caution to your rather novel proposal."
Jim Hacker: "You mean they'll block it?"
Sir Humphrey: "I mean they'll give it the most serious and earnest consideration and insist on a thorough and rigorous examination of all the proposals, allied with detailed feasibility study and budget analysis, before producing a consultative document for consideration by all interested bodies and seeking comments and recommendations to be included in a brief, for a series of working parties who will produce individual studies which will provide the background for a more wide ranging document, considering whether or not the proposal should be taken forward to the next stage."
Jim Hacker: "You mean they'll block it?"
Sir Humphrey: "Yeah."

Jim Hacker: "Math has become politicized: If it costs 5 billion pounds a year to maintain Britain's nuclear defences and 75 pounds a year to feed a starving African child, how many African children can be saved from starvation if the Ministry of Defence abandoned nuclear weapons?"
Sir Humphrey: "That's easy: none. They'd spend it all on conventional weapons."

Sir Humphrey: "You just don't leave important matters in the hand of those clowns [local councils]. And as you've left education to them, one must assume that until now you've attached little importance to it."
Jim Hacker: "I think it is extremely important. It could loose me the next election."
Sir Humphrey: "Ah!! In my naivety, I thought you were concerned about the future of our children."
Jim Hacker: "Yes, that too. For they get to vote at eighteen."

Sir Humphrey: "Hello Bernard, I hear the Prime Minister wants to see me?"
Bernard: "Yes, Sir Humphrey."
Sir Humphrey: "What's his problem?"
Bernard: "Education."
Sir Humphrey: "Well, it's a bit late to do anything about that now."

Avsnitt 2.8 - The Tangled Web

Sir Humphrey: "The interview was over. We were just chatting, harmlessly."
Bernard: "Harmlessly?!"
Sir Humphrey: "It was off-the-record!"
Bernard: "It was on the tape!!"

Jim Hacker: "Well, anyway. Why are we bugging Hugh Halifax? Is he talking to the Russians?"
Sir Humphrey: "No, the French actually. That's much more serious."
Jim Hacker: "Why?"
Bernard: "The Russians already know what we are doing."

Jim Hacker: "Honesty always gives you the advantage of surprise in the House of Commons."

Yes, Minister | Yes, Prime Minister | Yes, Minister - julspecialen


Sir Humphrey: "Minister, I have some very grave news."
Jim Hacker: "Yes, Humphrey?"
Sir Humphrey: "The relationship which I might tentatively venture to aver has been not without some degree of reciprocal utility and perhaps even occasional gratification, is emerging a point of irreversible bifurcation and, to be brief, is in the propinquity of its ultimate regrettable termination."
Jim Hacker: "I see..."
Sir Humphrey: "I am...on my way out."
Jim Hacker: "What?"
Sir Humphrey: "There comes a time when one has to accept what fate has in store, when one passes on..."
Jim Hacker: "Passes on!?"
Sir Humphrey: " pastures new, perhaps greener. And places oneself, finally, in the service of one who is greater than any of us."
Jim Hacker: "Humphrey, I am so sorry."
Sir Humphrey: "Oh, thank you, Minister."
Jim Hacker: "Does lady Appleby know?"
Sir Humphrey: "Well, she suspected it for some time."
Jim Hacker: "When did they tell you?"
Sir Humphrey: "This afternoon."
Jim Hacker: "How long did they give you?"
Sir Humphrey: "Oh, just a few weeks."
Jim Hacker: "Few weeks!?"
Sir Humphrey: "But it will give me enough time to sort everything out."
Jim Hacker: "Humphrey, you are so terribly brave."
Sir Humphrey: "Well, one is a little anxious, off course. One is always a little wary of the unknown, but I have faith somehow I will muddle through. [Jim Hacker starts crying] Minister, what is the matter?"
Jim Hacker: "I am sorry, Humphrey. Just, well we had our ups and downs."
Sir Humphrey: "Oh Minister, do not take on so. We will still be seeing one another regularly. Yes, once a week at least."
Jim Hacker: "What??"
Sir Humphrey: "I have not told you where I am going yet. I have been appointed Secretary to the Cabinet."
Jim Hacker: "Secretary to the Cabinet?"
Sir Humphrey: "What did you think I meant?"
Jim Hacker: "I thought, I..., I...."

Sir Humphrey: "How are things at the Campaign for the Freedom of Information, by the way?"
Sir Arnold: "Sorry, I cannot talk about that."

Sir Humphrey: "There are certain items of confidential information which while in theory they might be susceptible to innocent interpretation, do nevertheless contain a certain element of, shall we say, ambiguity, so that were they to presented in a less than generous manner or to an uncharitable mind, they might be a source of considerable embarrassment, even conceivably hazard, were they to impinge on the deliberations of an office of more than usual sensitivity."
Jim Hacker: "I am sorry?"
Chief Whip: "He is talking about security questionmarks."

Sir Arnold: "So, will our new PM be our eminent Chancellor or our distinguished Foreign Secretary?"
Sir Humphrey: "Well, that is what I wanted to talk to you about. Which do you think it should be?"
Sir Arnold: "Difficult. Like asking which lunatic should run the asylum."

Sir Humphrey: "So we trust you to make sure that your Minister does nothing incisive or divisive over the next few weeks."
Sir Arnold: "Avoids anything controversial."
Sir Humphrey: "Expresses no firm opinion about anything at all. Now, is that quite clear?"
Bernard: "Yes, well, I think that is probably what he was planning to do anyway."

Jim Hacker: "Yes, well this is serious."
Chief Whip: "Very serious."
Sir Humphrey: "Very serious."
Jim Hacker: "What could happen if either of them became PM?"
Sir Humphrey: "Something very serious indeed."
Chief Whip: "Very serious."
Jim Hacker: "I see...."
Chief Whip: "Serious repercussions."
Sir Humphrey: "Serious repercussions."
Chief Whip: "Of the utmost seriousness."
Jim Hacker: "Yes, that is serious."
Sir Humphrey: "In fact, I would go so far as to say, that it could hardly be more serious."
Jim Hacker: "Well, I think we all agree then: this is serious."

Jim Hacker: "As far as world politics goes, off course the Foreign Office is just an irrelevance. We have no real power, we are just a sort of American missile base."

Bernard: "They cannot stop us eating the British sausage, can they?"
Jim Hacker: "They can stop us calling it a sausage though. Apparently it has got to be called the Emulsified High-Fat Offal Tube."
Bernard: "And you swallowed it?"

Jim Hacker: "So Humpy, you are going do to the Prime Minister what you have always done to me......for me."

Jim Hacker: "Obviously the Home Secretary will have to resign."
Sir Humphrey: "Alan, yes."
Jim Hacker: "What on earth will happen to him?"
Sir Humphrey: "Well, I gather he was as drunk as a lord, so after a discrete interval they will probably make him one."