Favoritcitat

1x01:

Stephen: We're going to start with Alan. What would you do with a pencil and a lesser anteater?
Alan: Oh, hours of fun.

1x02:

Stephen: Now! Our next question. Where is 90% of the universe?
Jeremy: IKEA.

1x05:

(Alan sets off the alarm bells)
Stephen: Oh, dear! Oh, dear! Oh, obvious and wrong. I'm sorry about that. Minus ten to Alan.
Alan: I'm going to get a couple of cats called Obvious and Wrong.

1x07:

Stephen: The king of Swaziland is an absolute monarch who rules jointly with his mother, known as the Great She-Elephant. Whenever he rises from his seat, he must be greeted with cheers and gasps of astounded admiration.
Alan: I know an interesting fact about his mum.
Stephen: The Great She-Elephant?
Alan: Yeah. She's got a really good memory.

1x10:

Stephen: Now, the rules are simple. Points are given and points are taken away. They're taken away for answers that are both obvious and wrong,Žand they're given not so much for being correct as for being interesting. Their level of interestingness is impartially determined by a demographically selected customer-service focus consultancy, broken down by age and sex... i.e. ME. Because there is no one more broken down by age and sex.

1x10:

Stephen: If Alans are going to be attacked, I will be in the queue being herded onto the trains too because my father is an Alan. So there's a little bit of Alan in me. Is there any Alan in you?
Rich: No, no.
Alan: Do you want some?

1x12:

Stephen: There's a village in Nuremberg whose name means ''eavesdropper'' in German. Now, what did this village provide the whole world with for more than 100 consecutive Christmases?
Sean: War criminals.

1x12:

Sean: There's a famous Chinese dish called ''three-squeak''. What it is, is they get a pregnant rat and they wait for it to have its babies, little baby rats, and the reason it's called ''three-squeak'' is 'cos it squeaks three times. Once when you pick it up. (squeaks) Once when you dip it in the chilli sauce. (squeak) And once when you bite into it. (squeaks) And it's called ''three-squeak''.

2x07:

Stephen: What would you say if I said to you that the British Empire was built of diarrhoea?
Rich: I'd say you were full of shit.

2x07:

Rich: Any word that ends in '-rea' is just bad news, isn't it? Diarrhoea... pyorrhea... gonorrhoea... North Korea...
Dara: What about Chris Rea?

2x07:

Stephen: Do you know why the grass is greener in Ireland than over here?
Dara: Is it because of limestone in the ground?
Stephen: No - it's 'cause you're all over here, walking on ours.

2x07:

Stephen: What is the collective noun for a group of baboons?
Rich: The Pentagon.

2x11:

Sean: l thought it was something to do with the cat's penis. lsn't it a strange shape, like the shape of a violin, or something like that? ls it a really strange shape?
Stephen: What would be the shape of a female's orifice?
Sean: Well a violin case.

2x11:

Stephen: What have cats got to do with violins?
Alan: Cat gut?
Stephen: Oh dear oh dear, no. Cat gut has never gone into the making of violins. lt was a myth that was put about by...
Alan: By dogs...

2x11:

Stephen: But they (spiders) listen with their feet. Their eight feet. And they have a penis on their head, that's on the end of a little feeler, that's where their mating organ is, the males.
Mark: They're just a mess, aren't they?
Stephen: They're all dick-heads!

2x11:

Stephen: What colour would you say Monday is?
Alan: Blue.
Stephen: Blue. Because of...why?
Alan: lt just makes me think of blue.
Stephen: Well that's right, most people, they think of days of the week, assign a colour to them.
Alan: Wednesday's kind of green, Thursday is brown, Friday is black.
Stephen: Ah, now you see Friday is dark blue to me and Thursday is sort of reddy, deep red.
Alan: Tuesday is maybe yellow.
Stephen: l have a yellow Tuesday.
Alan: Saturday is red. Sunday is sort of bluey, purple.
Stephen: Monday is white to me, for some reason, but there you are.
Sean: Have you done a spider experiment at NASA, you two?

2x11:

Stephen: There was an American version of the dance (Hokey Cokey) a man called Larry Laprise, and he died in 1996. What happened at his funeral?
Alan: Oh, they couldn't get him in the coffin.
Stephen: Why is that?
Alan: [Singing] They put the left leg in... then the trouble started.

2x11:

Stephen: Now, next question, what was the first invention to break the sound barrier?
Sean: May West's vibrator.

2x12:

Alan: What would your superpower be, of choice?
Rich: I would like to travel ahead in time, but only by two seconds. I could go, "Gesundheit!" and you would sneeze.

3x01:

Rich: I remember the first time I said "fuck". My dad heard me. He walked by my bedroom door. And I said, "Dad, shut the door. I'm trying to fuck in here."

3x04:

Stephen: After all, only half human beings have the sperm, which is the smallest cell, and funnily enough, the largest cell, the other half have, which is the...?
Alan: The womb?
Stephen: The womb is not a cell! Even I, who, as you say, am not exactly an expert in these matters, do know that the womb is not a cell.
[-------] Alan: [looking up nonchalantly] It is kind of a cell, like, for nine months...(!)

4x03:

Jeremy: I'm worried about this dog. Has it been nailed? It can smell my crotch, from wherever it is.
Neil: We all can.