Stephen: We're going to start with Alan. What would you do with a pencil and a lesser anteater?
Stephen: Now! Our next question. Where is 90% of the universe?
(Alan sets off the alarm bells)
Stephen: The king of Swaziland is an absolute monarch who rules jointly with his mother, known as the Great She-Elephant. Whenever he rises from his seat, he must be greeted with cheers and gasps of astounded admiration.
Stephen: Now, the rules are simple. Points are given and points are taken away. They're taken away for answers that are both obvious and wrong,Žand they're given not so much for being correct as for being interesting. Their level of interestingness is impartially determined by a demographically selected customer-service focus consultancy, broken down by age and sex... i.e. ME. Because there is no one more broken down by age and sex.
Stephen: If Alans are going to be attacked, I will be in the queue being herded onto the trains too because my father is an Alan. So there's a little bit of Alan in me. Is there any Alan in you?
Stephen: There's a village in Nuremberg whose name means ''eavesdropper'' in German. Now, what did this village provide the whole world with for more than 100 consecutive Christmases?
Sean: There's a famous Chinese dish called ''three-squeak''. What it is, is they get a pregnant rat and they wait for it to have its babies, little baby rats, and the reason it's called ''three-squeak'' is 'cos it squeaks three times. Once when you pick it up. (squeaks) Once when you dip it in the chilli sauce. (squeak) And once when you bite into it. (squeaks) And it's called ''three-squeak''.
Stephen: What would you say if I said to you that the British Empire was built of diarrhoea?
Rich: Any word that ends in '-rea' is just bad news, isn't it? Diarrhoea... pyorrhea... gonorrhoea... North Korea...
Stephen: Do you know why the grass is greener in Ireland than over here?
Stephen: What is the collective noun for a group of baboons?
Sean: l thought it was something to do with the cat's penis. lsn't it a strange shape, like the shape of a violin, or something like that? ls it a really strange shape?
Stephen: What have cats got to do with violins?
Stephen: But they (spiders) listen with their feet. Their eight feet. And they have a penis on their head, that's on the end of a little feeler, that's where their mating organ is, the males.
Stephen: What colour would you say Monday is?
Stephen: There was an American version of the dance (Hokey Cokey) a man called Larry Laprise, and he died in 1996. What happened at his funeral?
Stephen: Now, next question, what was the first invention to break the sound barrier?
Alan: What would your superpower be, of choice?
Rich: I remember the first time I said "fuck". My dad heard me. He walked by my bedroom door. And I said, "Dad, shut the door. I'm trying to fuck in here."
Stephen: After all, only half human beings have the sperm, which is the smallest cell, and funnily enough, the largest cell, the other half have, which is the...?
Jeremy: I'm worried about this dog. Has it been nailed? It can smell my crotch, from wherever it is.